Thursday, May 3, 2012


Today is just this.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

...it's what you wanted, right?

So Blogger's being dumb. WHY they changed the whole design of it, I don't know, but I'll ignore that and get on to what's really been on my mind for the past few days.

And also, this is a complete emotion/feeling dump post. So if I sound snotty, that's just how I feel.

And now you may continue reading now that a warning has been issued.

I love births. They are so incredibly beautiful that I have no idea why I was so nervous to see my first one in Principles of Health Science at the end of our In the Womb video. Turns out that I'll be learning the same thing about three times for about 2-3 different units as the semester comes to an end since now both Principles of Health Science AND regular old Health (which I shouldn't even be taking since PoHS counts for that credit....don't know why nobody told me about that) are teaching the same thing. So I got to see that video not once, but twice.

And it made me realize just how immature some most ALL of the people in my Health class are. Literally everyone. I'm not kidding. Maybe Izzy's older bug-eyed brother Ryan wasn't saying anything, but everyone else with the exception of him and myself were laughing and joking and making fun of literally every single part of that video. Which wouldn't have been so bad, since, boys will be boys, especially when they see a baby being born for the very first time (it was so discreet I don't know how they thought it was gross.....) until I hone in on the most annoying girls possibly on the planet.

And at first I thought they were freshman, so it was excusable.

But they weren't, so it only made me a bajillion times more upset when they started yelling out, "Ew! What the heck is that floating in her stomach? That is so gross!" "Oh man, it's a FETUS!" "It looks like a freaking alien. Like, nobody should be that gross or ugly." And then finally, what really just pushed my buttons today that I almost went across the room and slugged both of them in the face, "Giving birth is so nasty. What the heck, is that a head? I'm never having kids, because they're gonna mess up my body and I'm gonna be all ugly and fat afterwards."

Okay. Here is where I've reached my wit's end.

They are completely entitled to their own opinions, but please. Please. Do not go into the whole "I refuse to have kids...but I'll have some someday...but I'll hate it because my body won't be a size -7 anymore." I hate it. It's girls like that who have no respect for the miracle of life or anyone else that make me want to vomit. And steal every one of their babies and teach them right from wrong, and teach those babies to be GOOD babies.

If you don't have the decency to actually realize what you are doing when you are pregnant/giving birth (aka sustaining life and then bringing a new person into this world), then maybe you shouldn't be allowed to even have babies. Because this is ridiculous. And they talk about more than just the baby thing that will mess with their social life and their bodies.

But seriously. Makes me so sad.

Speaking of babies, my not-so-close sort-of-friend that I haven't talked to in a while or really never did Celeste (NOT the one that I go to church with) had her own baby a matter of days ago.

And I've seen pictures. And holy crap, baby Emma is so adorable. I cried because I couldn't stand so much adorableness when I first saw her. And even though I think Celeste's going to be a pretty awesome mom (she'll be failing/dropping out of high school pretty soon, I'm sure, but a good mommy nonetheless), there's still that tiny piece of me that goes, "Do you know how long I've wanted a baby? Do you KNOW how difficult it is right now to not be taking care of something like that? Why is it that I have to WAIT for all of this, that I can't have the joy of being a mommy and having something like a baby to love?" All the complications and nonsense that I'm struggling with internally and people around me are now just popping out a little baby like it's nothing. Like it's so easy. And I just sit here and feel terrible about it, because it SHOULDN'T be so easy for others if it's so hard for me. (And yes, I know, babies make you tired and you have no time and you'll probably never finish school, blah blah blah I've already heard it and this is kind of an emotion DUMP post, but it's the actual HAVING/taking CARE of it/having it love me back that I want/crave/need/desire/whatever....so there's no taking that maternal instinct/huge colony of emotions out of me anytime soon)

Huh. And it's probably going to be like this when I'm married and trying to have a baby and everyone else is just having them all over the place. It's me that's going to be still on the waiting list, just waiting for some miracle to happen.

And all that is if I even GET married, since I'm definitely dying along with nothing but a bunch of my friends' kids' pictures around my bed since I'll be taking care of everyone's baby until I'm 92 (if I can even make it to 23) anyway. And maybe I can die while I'm petting one of my 100 cats.

Because nobody loves me, and nobody ever will.

Because nobody can ever love me like I need. Like I want. Nobody can ever love me like that.

And for some school related internal drama, I feel like after all the reading and studying I did over archetypes, I'm still going to fail Honors English this six weeks. Stupid A Tale of Two Cities archetype test, and I got the form where I was unsure about a character archetype and got a location one wrong. Definitely. And there were only 9 questions on it, and HAD I GOTTEN THE OTHER FORM I WOULD HAVE DONE A MILLION TIMES BETTER AND GOTTEN A PERFECT SCORE.

And I've been ready to give up on this whole school thing for a few months. But now it's really coming down hard on me, because even if my mom says she doesn't care about my grades as long as I'm trying my hardest to get it, I still feel like she's mad at me for not getting it right.

Hmm.

But that geometry test was really easy. So it's not like I'm failing ALL my classes. Just English. Which doesn't make ANY sense. At all. So it looks like I can't be doing well in geometry without failing English and vice versa.

Who knows.

And Kevin will NOT listen to me--the DIRECTOR--in theatre when he's supposed to. And I just can't be nice to him about it. And now the world is just annoying me, and I can't be nice to my friends. I can't be normal or nice around anyone.

BUT I get to see Sharlene again on Friday after my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and hopefully once I start getting some medicine in my system I'll be able to control this depression thing.

I really hope so, because I don't want to feel hopeless and terrible forever.

Which I definitely could end up doing, since the depression I'm about 98.9% sure I have can last (in random cycles or otherwise) my entire life. I have normal days and then terrible days, and then awful days, and then super good days.

But for now it's just learning to control my anger and not get upset at people for things they say, especially when I can't control or do anything about it.