Wednesday, May 2, 2012

...it's what you wanted, right?

So Blogger's being dumb. WHY they changed the whole design of it, I don't know, but I'll ignore that and get on to what's really been on my mind for the past few days.

And also, this is a complete emotion/feeling dump post. So if I sound snotty, that's just how I feel.

And now you may continue reading now that a warning has been issued.

I love births. They are so incredibly beautiful that I have no idea why I was so nervous to see my first one in Principles of Health Science at the end of our In the Womb video. Turns out that I'll be learning the same thing about three times for about 2-3 different units as the semester comes to an end since now both Principles of Health Science AND regular old Health (which I shouldn't even be taking since PoHS counts for that credit....don't know why nobody told me about that) are teaching the same thing. So I got to see that video not once, but twice.

And it made me realize just how immature some most ALL of the people in my Health class are. Literally everyone. I'm not kidding. Maybe Izzy's older bug-eyed brother Ryan wasn't saying anything, but everyone else with the exception of him and myself were laughing and joking and making fun of literally every single part of that video. Which wouldn't have been so bad, since, boys will be boys, especially when they see a baby being born for the very first time (it was so discreet I don't know how they thought it was gross.....) until I hone in on the most annoying girls possibly on the planet.

And at first I thought they were freshman, so it was excusable.

But they weren't, so it only made me a bajillion times more upset when they started yelling out, "Ew! What the heck is that floating in her stomach? That is so gross!" "Oh man, it's a FETUS!" "It looks like a freaking alien. Like, nobody should be that gross or ugly." And then finally, what really just pushed my buttons today that I almost went across the room and slugged both of them in the face, "Giving birth is so nasty. What the heck, is that a head? I'm never having kids, because they're gonna mess up my body and I'm gonna be all ugly and fat afterwards."

Okay. Here is where I've reached my wit's end.

They are completely entitled to their own opinions, but please. Please. Do not go into the whole "I refuse to have kids...but I'll have some someday...but I'll hate it because my body won't be a size -7 anymore." I hate it. It's girls like that who have no respect for the miracle of life or anyone else that make me want to vomit. And steal every one of their babies and teach them right from wrong, and teach those babies to be GOOD babies.

If you don't have the decency to actually realize what you are doing when you are pregnant/giving birth (aka sustaining life and then bringing a new person into this world), then maybe you shouldn't be allowed to even have babies. Because this is ridiculous. And they talk about more than just the baby thing that will mess with their social life and their bodies.

But seriously. Makes me so sad.

Speaking of babies, my not-so-close sort-of-friend that I haven't talked to in a while or really never did Celeste (NOT the one that I go to church with) had her own baby a matter of days ago.

And I've seen pictures. And holy crap, baby Emma is so adorable. I cried because I couldn't stand so much adorableness when I first saw her. And even though I think Celeste's going to be a pretty awesome mom (she'll be failing/dropping out of high school pretty soon, I'm sure, but a good mommy nonetheless), there's still that tiny piece of me that goes, "Do you know how long I've wanted a baby? Do you KNOW how difficult it is right now to not be taking care of something like that? Why is it that I have to WAIT for all of this, that I can't have the joy of being a mommy and having something like a baby to love?" All the complications and nonsense that I'm struggling with internally and people around me are now just popping out a little baby like it's nothing. Like it's so easy. And I just sit here and feel terrible about it, because it SHOULDN'T be so easy for others if it's so hard for me. (And yes, I know, babies make you tired and you have no time and you'll probably never finish school, blah blah blah I've already heard it and this is kind of an emotion DUMP post, but it's the actual HAVING/taking CARE of it/having it love me back that I want/crave/need/desire/whatever....so there's no taking that maternal instinct/huge colony of emotions out of me anytime soon)

Huh. And it's probably going to be like this when I'm married and trying to have a baby and everyone else is just having them all over the place. It's me that's going to be still on the waiting list, just waiting for some miracle to happen.

And all that is if I even GET married, since I'm definitely dying along with nothing but a bunch of my friends' kids' pictures around my bed since I'll be taking care of everyone's baby until I'm 92 (if I can even make it to 23) anyway. And maybe I can die while I'm petting one of my 100 cats.

Because nobody loves me, and nobody ever will.

Because nobody can ever love me like I need. Like I want. Nobody can ever love me like that.

And for some school related internal drama, I feel like after all the reading and studying I did over archetypes, I'm still going to fail Honors English this six weeks. Stupid A Tale of Two Cities archetype test, and I got the form where I was unsure about a character archetype and got a location one wrong. Definitely. And there were only 9 questions on it, and HAD I GOTTEN THE OTHER FORM I WOULD HAVE DONE A MILLION TIMES BETTER AND GOTTEN A PERFECT SCORE.

And I've been ready to give up on this whole school thing for a few months. But now it's really coming down hard on me, because even if my mom says she doesn't care about my grades as long as I'm trying my hardest to get it, I still feel like she's mad at me for not getting it right.

Hmm.

But that geometry test was really easy. So it's not like I'm failing ALL my classes. Just English. Which doesn't make ANY sense. At all. So it looks like I can't be doing well in geometry without failing English and vice versa.

Who knows.

And Kevin will NOT listen to me--the DIRECTOR--in theatre when he's supposed to. And I just can't be nice to him about it. And now the world is just annoying me, and I can't be nice to my friends. I can't be normal or nice around anyone.

BUT I get to see Sharlene again on Friday after my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and hopefully once I start getting some medicine in my system I'll be able to control this depression thing.

I really hope so, because I don't want to feel hopeless and terrible forever.

Which I definitely could end up doing, since the depression I'm about 98.9% sure I have can last (in random cycles or otherwise) my entire life. I have normal days and then terrible days, and then awful days, and then super good days.

But for now it's just learning to control my anger and not get upset at people for things they say, especially when I can't control or do anything about it.

4 comments:

rosebud said...

"Because nobody loves me, and nobody ever will." ??? really? Let's hold off on making such rash predictions until we have a little more longitudinal data shall we? As much as it feels right now, these days will be lost to the ages very shortly. You won't remember what your favorite clothes were, where your locker was or even the names of the people you liked and/or made your life miserable. This time is a teeny tiny dot on the never ending time line of life. ENJOY IT! Enjoy not being in a hot and heavy relationship with pressure to do more and be more than you're comfortable with. Enjoy the fact that your failures (and I really doubt you have many) are so inconsequential at this point (are your grades putting food on the table? are your grades putting a roof over your head?)! Enjoy the fact that you do not have a baby now which would close an endless amount of doors in the hallway of your future! Do you really think true motherhood is having a baby to fill a need to be loved? No way girl! Don't ever assume anyone's life is what it appears to be for good or for bad! Until you are a fly on the wall of those teen moms, you cannot say they have them like it's nothing. Enjoy that you are so articulate and in touch with your emotions at such a young age. You look at what you are not and don't have and see what's missing. The other 99% of us look at you and see what we wish we had at your age. I'm not telling you not to complain, be unhappy or vent... but don't let ol' scratch convince you of his lies that you are not loved, not worthy of love or ever will be. THAT IS A LIE! If you don't believe how wonderful you are, then rely on the opinions of those around you who love you best -- they know you! Rely on that confidence in and respect for you they have. Your mantra is I am loved and always will be! Got it chicka? Perfectionism is a destiny of dissatisfaction... I read that in PERFECTIONISM (now available at your local library). You'll be much more at peace when you stop assuming everyone is happier and more at peace than you are. And when you go comparing it is never a fair trade because we always compare our weaknesses to the strength's of others. Is a fake $100 bill more valuable than a real $20? Of course not! We will be happier when we learn to value the real over the ideal. The ideal is not real and never will be.

And don't forget an important lesson about obnoxious loud girls -- the loudest voice in the room in always the weakest. The only way some people know how to get validation is to constantly draw attention to themselves. That will always be true, no matter how old the girls.

Now, don't you feel better after a good finger wagging? I sure do.

“Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

rosebud said...

Oh and as if what I said wasn't enough. I just read scriptures with the kids and got goose bumps thinking of you when I read this to them:
(Matthew)
29 Are not two asparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.

30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

31 Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more avalue than many sparrows.

I love you Sierra. You are not alone in this. I am here, your Heavenly Father is here and so is Michael McLean. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVFrs-rxo98

rebecca @ older and wisor said...

"I feel like my mom is mad"

not "my mom IS mad."

There's a difference.

I had a wonderful time with you today. Truly. Did you feel the hope? It's there, and things are gonna be amazing if you want them to be.

And that Rosemary? She speaks truth. That's why I adore her so.

ben said...

i have an idea... come to California for 4th of July and spend time with your family. :) Oh wait...