Thursday, February 9, 2012

just going to start blogging again. And not care who the heck reads it. I need an outlet again. And to catch up with myself.

So in all fairness, I've been doing exactly what my doctor told me to help clear my skin up: eating healthier, exercising 15-20 (supposed to be 30, she said, but in reality I try to dance it up after school when I get home) minutes every morning after seminary before I get ready....and I got this book that is supposed to help with managing stress, anxiety, depression, that kind of stuff. It's helping a lot, but lately, my body has been catching up with itself and now instead of completely blocking out all anxiety forever and always like it was in the beginning because it was like, "WHOA WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING CALLED EXERCISE AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO HEALTHY?!" but now it's like, "Yeahhh...burned about 90 calories in the morning. Typical. Hmm."

And now y anxiety is coming back a thousand times harder than before, and I almost passed out in health class during an eating disorder video that WASN'T EVEN DISGUSTING ANYWAY and could barely walk over to my teacher to ask to go to the nurse because there was blue fuzzy static everywhere and I could barely walk and I felt like I was going to pass out with nobody to find my body and all that. And my temperature was perfect, same with blood pressure, and the nurse (WHO'S AN RN. GO HER.) told me that it might have been my body anticipating a migraine but responding in a different way. I was shaking and clammy and super duper white pale and tingling, and she said that that was a nervous response to something. I don't know what. But I had a double throbbing headache that didn't feel quite as bad as the migraines that I had at the beginning of the semester last year, and even ibuprofen didn't kill it off completely.

But I did manage to find a ton of ways to fix headaches without medicine. Like reflexology and sitting up straight and stretching and clearing my mind. It worked about three times today, since I get headaches a ton.

And stress. Let's not forget I kept feeling like I was about to go off the edge and go into full blown panic attack mode all day LONG. And all I could keep thinking was, "this is EXACTLY what panic disorder is, which I almost 99.999% have for sure, and now I can't stop feeling/anticipating that I'm going to panic attack right here and now and nobody's going to care or find my body when I die..." and if it's not stress, its this terrible depression. The other day when I was alone, I almost felt suicidal. It really sucked.

Today was alright...except for the essay I just finished a while ago that my teacher gave us an extra day to finish even though I crammed to fit it all in last night in my notebook...and it was beautiful. But not as beautiful as the one I've got now. Took a theatre test, Health Science quiz over digestive system, and a geometry test that I SWEAR I ACED WITH FLYING COLORS. Going to go later on and spend some time with mom, get some more red hair color for me, and some LEGIT CANVASES AND PAINT BECAUSE HEY--I'M GONNA START TAKING UP PAINTING. AS A HOBBY. OR SOMETHING FUN TO DO. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WATCHING SWITCHED AT BIRTH, AND GUESS WHO LIKES TO PAINT? BAY DOES.

And signing.

Oh man Deaf Chat Coffee was the worst and the best all at once.

I accidentally lied about my feeling to a deaf guy, and he called me a liar, and I've been beating myself up all week for not remembering the whole etiquette thing. You don't just say you're fine, you go into how you really feel. But I didn't want to just dump my nervousness/shyness/anxiety on him right then and there, because you know, even with deaf culture being really close and intimate and friendship-y, it was still overwhelming with my dumb sweating all day long that day and the deaf love of my life NOT SHOWING UP. EVEN WHEN I LEARNED TO SIGN SO THAT I COULD TALK TO HIM. AND SO THAT HE COULD LOVE ME BACK. I WAS SO MAD. AND I STILL AM SO DEPRESSED ABOUT IT.

But I met a hard of hearing person named Johnny who was SUPER goal then was to meet a hard of hearing person because EMMETT'S DAD ON SWITCHED AT BIRTH IS DATING THIS SUPER HOT AMAZING FANTASTICAL HARD OF HEARING CHIC THAT'S IN BETWEEN DEAF AND HEARING. They can speak but you have to sign to them to communicate. It's so cool. I'm going to turn up my music so loud one day that I go deaf, so that I can fully join their culture and be one of them and be able to technically be hard of hearing, since a ton of people lose their hearing from blaring music. And nobody blares music more than I do.

I still screwed up with Johnny because instead of saying "nice to meet you" like Izzy and Celeste did or just doing the sign for "same" which I already freaking KNOW because I PRACTICED EVERY SIGN KNOWN TO THE UNIVERSE BEFORE WE DROVE THERE, I just stood there dumbly with this stupid look on my face and signed "meet.". Just meet. And he looked at me like he was expecting more out of me, and then nothing happened. So he kept signing. BUT I UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD THAT MS. BELL SIGNED WHEN SHE CAME OVER, AND GOING TO A DEAF COFFEE CHAT IS A HECK OF A LOT EASIER WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TEACHING YOURSELF SIGN LANGUAGE FOR THE PAST TWO AND A HALF MONTHS.

oh man.

Finished my essay for history...still don't know how the heck he wants us to have it. There's nothing to prove. But whatever. That's coach Lambchop for you.

I've been busy trying to write songs for my new challenge: FAWM. [x] Which is writing....28 1/2 songs total this month? And with the help of my new CAPO WHICH I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....AHHHHH!!! life is a thousand times easier. I've already got a few comments on my lyrics...and people actually like them! I'm super into making and writing music...and playing guitar. Even though it screws up my beautiful nails. But who cares.

....checking my grade summary. And apparently made a 77 on that Geometry test....I'm was EASY and I KNEW everything on it. She even HELPED ME YESTERDAY. How is this possible?

Gonna have to start pulling ideas to paint. What should I practice on? I'm going to start a theme of painting really good heads of people since that's all I can draw (probably same quality if I did it with my eyes shut) and sticking them like balloons onto strings. And Nohemi suggested having a headless body holding the string. I love it. It's going to be beautiful.

If only I could paint.

I don't think Photoshopping is the same...or Polyvore. Not even close.

I'm finally going to start on my second draft of my novel that I wrote back in November. I really want to work on this one, since it's the one I want to get published on. Anyway. Yeah.


rebecca @ older and wisor said...

Oh Sierra. All you've learned is that things are awesome when you get to spend time with yo mama.

Also, it would be horrible to lose your hearing and therefore never be able to hear your future babies when they utter the word "mama" from those sweet pudgy little lips. Or hear any new music ever again. Worth it?

Anonymous said...

I love you Sierra. You are an amazing young woman! You are an Artist, an Author, and Scholar! I am so proud of you and God has blessed me by having you in my life.

Love, Grandma!

Heather Whitley said...

I remember feeling this way about my mom when I was younger, and about all the psychological damage done to me in my childhood by failure to be loved enough, among other things... although not as dramatically, of course. LOL.

You are trudging right through the dark night of the soul, my dear. Someday, you will know all these same things about your life, but they won't tear you apart like this. Gnashing your teeth over how you both are and are not your mother is just something you have to go through, it's part of the identity forging process. It gets better, but it does take time.

I don't want you to be more like your mom. I also don't want you to be less like your mom. I like you just the way you are, fidgeting and freaking out included.

P.S. Cut yourself some slack. If I compared my accomplishments to my mother's, I'd be woefully depressed. She's got a 23-year head start on me, after all.

P.P.S. Cut everybody else some slack, too. You are right that your love absorption is lower than their love output, but even outside of that, imperfect people love imperfectly. Everybody has to forgive their parents for something.