Thursday, February 16, 2012

(apologizing in advance to my mother, who is mentioned frequently in this post. It's about I don't hate you, I'm just dumping bad feelings out there because I have no idea how to confront you about this to fix myself. Yep, it's all for selfish gain.)

Just like about half of the world, I've been suffering from extreme anxiety. It started really showing itself about a year and a half ago just before the end of freshman year, when I stopped doing P.E....according to some people...but I didn't do much physical activities in that class anyhow. So whatever.

ANYWAY. After getting about halfway through The Feeling Good Handbook, I came across a chapter that talks all about understanding the causes of anxiety. Never mind the first few sections talking about how to manage negative emotions and such and find out why you are thinking what you are thinking automatically and how to stop it usually.....what I read last night really struck me.

Almost every single one of the guy's anxiety patients (or maybe it was all of them, I don't remember) were found out to have some random suppressed emotions built up inside of them, whether it be something from their childhood that scarred them that they never confronted, or something that their boss said to them that really made them angry but they did nothing about. And then it went on to say how one guy was scared of flying and always had panic attacks about getting on planes; another lady came in screaming bloody murder with abdominal pain that tested normal but kept going while her husband was around. It wasn't until her husband left that she felt better. Turns out that she had marriage problems and needed counseling with her husband, because he was abusive and she always felt scared and whatnot around him. After counseling, she no longer had anxiety. Same with the airplane guy. There was something at work that was bothering him that he never confronted, and his mind pushed that deep down and made him anxious about other things.

So that got me thinking.

I wrote down whatever I could think of that may have messed with my head. And the first thing I thought of--that I ALWAYS have thought of whenever I feel particularly depressed or terrible about something and it winks at me in the back of my mind like a seductive monster waiting to overcome me with fear and panic.


1. That my mom is funnier/smarter/more attractive/prettier/easier to get along with/more sociable/likable/better than me in every possible way. That she can start a conversation with anyone (putting aside her acute Type 1-ness and my definite Type 2 attitude) she wants at any time. That she has no fears and everyone likes her and thinks she is so awesome and can do anything. That even the bishop told me a while back that I've got an excellent mother with a great sense of humor. Because everyone likes my mother. And she has thousands of followers on Pinterest and people READ HER BLOG BECAUSE SHE'S WAY MORE INTERESTING EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.

this also plays into the jealousy factor which brings us to item number 2, similar to number 1.

2. I am extremely jealous of my mother. Everything she touches turns to gold....or some form of crappy gold that she's fix up and make everyone love. Everyone loves her and she doesn't have anxiety problems and doesn't have any doubts about making new friends. There isn't a single person I know that dislikes my mother.

3. I feel completely unloved by my family, especially my parents. This may be a distorted thought that I've pinpointed before, but I've felt strongly as if my parents did not care about me AT ALL since about the eighth grade. Putting aside all the dumb teenage hormones and crap, I'm just getting all of this down here.

4. I feel inadequate/unable to talk to strangers/very unlovable/like a terrible person/antisocial. I also feel as though there has been a standard set BY MY MOTHER for me to be someone else. If I am nothing like my mother, people are disappointed. I absolutely HATE people comparing me to her because I am MY OWN PERSON. Even though I love my mom and she's great, I wish people would not make the Rebecca inside of my apparent all the time. I have to put on a charade that I have a hard time keeping up with, and once it falls down and I see those same people again the next day as myself, they all think something is wrong, or that I am sick/sad/feeling down/depressed.

5. I get either no attention at all or too much for the wrong reasons. 'Nuff said. This is just in my mind, but it still feels really hurtful.


I always feel judged or looked at or watched by other people no matter where I am, be it on the bus (especially then), sitting in a classroom scratching my nose, or eating a sandwich. I feel that people are waiting for me to mess up or do something weird and judge me for someone I am not--this is a result of the supposed personality expectations set by my mom that I am so used to being around; feeling inadequate compared to my mom, so therefore, of COURSE I'm going to feel inadequate around others or that people are judging me accordingly. The hatred of being compared to my mother also comes into play here: since I have to avoid being so like her that people immediately call me Rebecca Jr. or a little version of my mom, I have to be something different. Being different makes me nervous and twitchy and fidgety so when others see my being that way I feel that already they are making that assumption, or the assumption that I'm socially retarded. Especially when I bounce-walk down the hallways.

The reason that I always am so quick to throw my heart/affections around at anyone who will take them. I play the forever alone thign way too high, and am usually very desperate for someon to care for me and give me attention. AKA Why I dump all my feelings out at once and cannot old them in for long because the world NEEDS TO KNOW, or at least at the time it feels like they do.--
(I realise that this could be potentially dangerous later on when I start dating and all I want is the attention. That's why I'm trying to attack it now and not when I'm 18 and drinking or smoking because my boyfriend at the time thinks it would be cool. Yeah, I don't think so.) Feeling unloved by my parents. And my family. And my friends. If nobody close to me will love me, I feel as though I have to go and hunt down someone by myself. Hating being antisocial and shy around new people. The fidgeting. The freaking out. All of it makes me feel unlovable to everyone, so I reach out to those who don't know me and use them. I feel that people either my mother knew beforehand that I have to talk to or complete strangers will see me as only my mother. They like her over me. So of course I have to throw on the act and seem so desperate because, as I stated before, the feelings of not being loved by my family or parents or friends makes me try to find it in less desirable places. And a lot of times, those places don't know my mom or who I am, so I make something up and they pay attention to me. If I'm alone, they will take care of it. Of course, the fact that I HATE these kinds of people who do this to me doesn't help. I usually end up realizing what a bad influence these "friends" that I choose solely for attention are on me and spite them afterward. Currently hating on Chris, because turns out he's a perv. A perv who smokes. No thanks. That ship sailed weeks ago, and now he sits at my table every day in Theatre. I don't talk to him anymore.

If anything, I want to be able to rid all of this and move on. Once I find the other causes to the rest of my problems, I'll dump them back out on here. No more depression for another day or two.


rosebud said...

For the record, I have never seen you as a Rebecca Jr. I see a very clever, cute and talented girl in her own right. And since I've met you, some of my strongest thoughts have been that my daughter turns out to be 1/2 of what you are. Wow, if I could have articulated my feelings/emotions as well as you at 15, I could have saved myself tons of grief. I'm sorry to hear you feel so compared to, but mostly that you feel so unloved. If it helps, I think it's the age... I never felt loved as a teenager and looking back I see how over-abundantly loved I was. You are not alone in life or your feelings. I know that for sure. As for feeling watched? That is the age, too, HOWEVER you are in a unique situation and people are watching you. And let me tell you, since our values and beliefs are the same, if I were ever judged based on your actions, I'd be pretty comfortable with that.

Now, hopefully your next post isn't about how 40 something moms hijack the comments section of your teenage blog.

Allison @ Allie Browns Layouts said...

My dear Sierra!!
Sis. Weiland said pretty much EVERYTHING that I was thinking. I've never compared you to your mom and neither have I believed you to be "less than" because you aren't like your mother. I have learn from the school of hard-knocks that absolutely nothing is better than to be yourself. This is coming from a girl who didn't realize who "herself" was until she was married and had three kids (so about the age of 26). I spent a lot of my life (let's say from the age of 12) being who I thought other people would like me as. I spent all of high school being a different girl with different opinions ONLY because I thought it would get certain friends or a certain boy to like me. Once that boy broke my heart and I found a new crush, I became a new person for him...and he'd break my heart too. And it was the same with friends. It was a vicious cycle and part of me would love to go back and change how I was and my opinions on things but then again, how I was then shaped who I am today. (And honestly, I'm still figuring out little things about myself--if you ever want me to bore you about those, just call.)
I was your age when I had some terrible life experiences. I suffered terrible hardships that I would never want any teen to have to suffer. Some of those issues today still haunt me.
I remember when I was your age, begging the Lord to show me what my life would be like ten years from that point. Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I be NORMAL and HAPPY. Would I be everything that I wanted to be and what others wanted me to be?
A couple years ago I remember laying in bed, allowing my never-ending thoughts run a muck through my mind when from out of no where, I remembered that sad, hurt, betrayed me--and those questions that Little Allison begged to know. It was at that time I wrote a mental letter to that girl(I should've gotten up and actually written it) and told her that everything is ok, that she's happy and blessed and that indeed the Lord listens and loves her, even at the darkest and most confusing times.

Allison @ Allie Browns Layouts said...

(So I had to break this up into too comments because blogger is telling me I write too much)

I know how you feel. I suffer even now with anxiety. I too have wondered where it stemmed and have considered taking the time to actually sit and write all the possibilities down until I find the reason. And to be honest, I have feared writing that down for what I may find.
I applaud you for writing down your feelings.
You are terribly talented and beautiful. I know that your parents love you too. It may be hard to see but just like Sis. Weiland said, I look back and realize that I was loved a LOT more than a lot of my friends were at that age (reconnecting with some of those friends now--who seemed to have the perfect life and they've recently opened up to me about their family secrets). My parents didn't/don't show love the way you would expect parents to. They didn't hug and snuggle and kiss and constantly tell me how much they loved me or told me all the time that I was beautiful. But they celebrated my moments of happiness and comforted me during my moments of sadness. I don't believe they were wrong in showing me their version of love as we all express it differently. I knew they loved me and I knew they did all they could to provide a safe haven for me to come home to. I never wanted to be anywhere other than home.
I would love to tell you that this will all pass, and it will, but that's hard to imagine at this time (again, I've been there and it feels like this moment will NEVER pass). Remember the Lord is with you, if you feel no one loves you, take pride in that HE does. He knows you from the beginning. He knows your weaknesses, your flaws, your strengths and loves you more than you can imagine. You are just as important to Him as is your mother, friend, sibling, even that Chris. :)
I've always admired you and always thought you were amazing for being the person you are. Never settle yourself short!
If you need anything, let me know! I know I may seem old and totally uncool and off my rocker at times (HA! Probably because I am), I do know where you are and I pray that this'll make you stronger.

Jennifer said...

Hi. You don't know me, but I came across your blog. You remind me so much of myself, only I wouldn't have dared tell the world how I felt. Nope I just kept everything inside, and it's still there. And while I agree with the others that most of this is just the age, it's so good that you are getting the feelings out there and working on them. I am 24 now, but sometimes still feel like that anxious, depressed, people pleaser 14 yr old. Luckily, those moments are getting fewer. All I can say is enjoy the journey. I know I didn't and that is my biggest regret. Being a teenager is sucky and wonderful all at the same time. Maybe it just seems wonderful because I am past it. I don't know. Anyhow, you are inspiring, go after your dreams of painting and writing! <3