It's not perfected yet, but I thought it was much too good to pass up previewing on the old blog. WAAAAAAAAYYY better than the original concept in my sketchbook.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
As of yesterday, started writing the second draft of my novel. Once I got to this random bench scene with Hannah I suddenly had the urge to go and Photoshop what I was talking about, even though this isn't really what I see in my head but when I tried to draw it yesterday...it was terrible. Added a couple of lines on the picture that have nothing to do with what was going on, tried to mess with her jacket/purse thing and made it all black, added a bench...I like it.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
(apologizing in advance to my mother, who is mentioned frequently in this post. It's about anxiety...so...mm. I don't hate you, I'm just dumping bad feelings out there because I have no idea how to confront you about this to fix myself. Yep, it's all for selfish gain.)
Just like about half of the world, I've been suffering from extreme anxiety. It started really showing itself about a year and a half ago just before the end of freshman year, when I stopped doing P.E....according to some people...but I didn't do much physical activities in that class anyhow. So whatever.
ANYWAY. After getting about halfway through The Feeling Good Handbook, I came across a chapter that talks all about understanding the causes of anxiety. Never mind the first few sections talking about how to manage negative emotions and such and find out why you are thinking what you are thinking automatically and how to stop it usually.....what I read last night really struck me.
Almost every single one of the guy's anxiety patients (or maybe it was all of them, I don't remember) were found out to have some random suppressed emotions built up inside of them, whether it be something from their childhood that scarred them that they never confronted, or something that their boss said to them that really made them angry but they did nothing about. And then it went on to say how one guy was scared of flying and always had panic attacks about getting on planes; another lady came in screaming bloody murder with abdominal pain that tested normal but kept going while her husband was around. It wasn't until her husband left that she felt better. Turns out that she had marriage problems and needed counseling with her husband, because he was abusive and she always felt scared and whatnot around him. After counseling, she no longer had anxiety. Same with the airplane guy. There was something at work that was bothering him that he never confronted, and his mind pushed that deep down and made him anxious about other things.
So that got me thinking.
I wrote down whatever I could think of that may have messed with my head. And the first thing I thought of--that I ALWAYS have thought of whenever I feel particularly depressed or terrible about something and it winks at me in the back of my mind like a seductive monster waiting to overcome me with fear and panic.
FOR INSTANCE. LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF A FEW THINGS I FIGURED OUT. STARTING WITH SOME THOUGHTS I STARTED HAVING MUCH MORE OFTEN IN THE PAST TWO/THREE YEARS:
1. That my mom is funnier/smarter/more attractive/prettier/easier to get along with/more sociable/likable/better than me in every possible way. That she can start a conversation with anyone (putting aside her acute Type 1-ness and my definite Type 2 attitude) she wants at any time. That she has no fears and everyone likes her and thinks she is so awesome and can do anything. That even the bishop told me a while back that I've got an excellent mother with a great sense of humor. Because everyone likes my mother. And she has thousands of followers on Pinterest and people READ HER BLOG BECAUSE SHE'S WAY MORE INTERESTING EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
this also plays into the jealousy factor which brings us to item number 2, similar to number 1.
2. I am extremely jealous of my mother. Everything she touches turns to gold....or some form of crappy gold that she's fix up and make everyone love. Everyone loves her and she doesn't have anxiety problems and doesn't have any doubts about making new friends. There isn't a single person I know that dislikes my mother.
3. I feel completely unloved by my family, especially my parents. This may be a distorted thought that I've pinpointed before, but I've felt strongly as if my parents did not care about me AT ALL since about the eighth grade. Putting aside all the dumb teenage hormones and crap, I'm just getting all of this down here.
4. I feel inadequate/unable to talk to strangers/very unlovable/like a terrible person/antisocial. I also feel as though there has been a standard set BY MY MOTHER for me to be someone else. If I am nothing like my mother, people are disappointed. I absolutely HATE people comparing me to her because I am MY OWN PERSON. Even though I love my mom and she's great, I wish people would not make the Rebecca inside of my apparent all the time. I have to put on a charade that I have a hard time keeping up with, and once it falls down and I see those same people again the next day as myself, they all think something is wrong, or that I am sick/sad/feeling down/depressed.
5. I get either no attention at all or too much for the wrong reasons. 'Nuff said. This is just in my mind, but it still feels really hurtful.
HERE'S WHAT I FIGURED OUT SO FAR BASED ON THESE FEW THINGS:
I always feel judged or looked at or watched by other people no matter where I am, be it on the bus (especially then), sitting in a classroom scratching my nose, or eating a sandwich. I feel that people are waiting for me to mess up or do something weird and judge me for someone I am not--this is a result of the supposed personality expectations set by my mom that I am so used to being around; feeling inadequate compared to my mom, so therefore, of COURSE I'm going to feel inadequate around others or that people are judging me accordingly. The hatred of being compared to my mother also comes into play here: since I have to avoid being so like her that people immediately call me Rebecca Jr. or a little version of my mom, I have to be something different. Being different makes me nervous and twitchy and fidgety so when others see my being that way I feel that already they are making that assumption, or the assumption that I'm socially retarded. Especially when I bounce-walk down the hallways.
The reason that I always am so quick to throw my heart/affections around at anyone who will take them. I play the forever alone thign way too high, and am usually very desperate for someon to care for me and give me attention. AKA Why I dump all my feelings out at once and cannot old them in for long because the world NEEDS TO KNOW, or at least at the time it feels like they do.--
(I realise that this could be potentially dangerous later on when I start dating and all I want is the attention. That's why I'm trying to attack it now and not when I'm 18 and drinking or smoking because my boyfriend at the time thinks it would be cool. Yeah, I don't think so.) Feeling unloved by my parents. And my family. And my friends. If nobody close to me will love me, I feel as though I have to go and hunt down someone by myself. Hating being antisocial and shy around new people. The fidgeting. The freaking out. All of it makes me feel unlovable to everyone, so I reach out to those who don't know me and use them. I feel that people either my mother knew beforehand that I have to talk to or complete strangers will see me as only my mother. They like her over me. So of course I have to throw on the act and seem so desperate because, as I stated before, the feelings of not being loved by my family or parents or friends makes me try to find it in less desirable places. And a lot of times, those places don't know my mom or who I am, so I make something up and they pay attention to me. If I'm alone, they will take care of it. Of course, the fact that I HATE these kinds of people who do this to me doesn't help. I usually end up realizing what a bad influence these "friends" that I choose solely for attention are on me and spite them afterward. Currently hating on Chris, because turns out he's a perv. A perv who smokes. No thanks. That ship sailed weeks ago, and now he sits at my table every day in Theatre. I don't talk to him anymore.
If anything, I want to be able to rid all of this and move on. Once I find the other causes to the rest of my problems, I'll dump them back out on here. No more depression for another day or two.
Just like about half of the world, I've been suffering from extreme anxiety. It started really showing itself about a year and a half ago just before the end of freshman year, when I stopped doing P.E....according to some people...but I didn't do much physical activities in that class anyhow. So whatever.
ANYWAY. After getting about halfway through The Feeling Good Handbook, I came across a chapter that talks all about understanding the causes of anxiety. Never mind the first few sections talking about how to manage negative emotions and such and find out why you are thinking what you are thinking automatically and how to stop it usually.....what I read last night really struck me.
Almost every single one of the guy's anxiety patients (or maybe it was all of them, I don't remember) were found out to have some random suppressed emotions built up inside of them, whether it be something from their childhood that scarred them that they never confronted, or something that their boss said to them that really made them angry but they did nothing about. And then it went on to say how one guy was scared of flying and always had panic attacks about getting on planes; another lady came in screaming bloody murder with abdominal pain that tested normal but kept going while her husband was around. It wasn't until her husband left that she felt better. Turns out that she had marriage problems and needed counseling with her husband, because he was abusive and she always felt scared and whatnot around him. After counseling, she no longer had anxiety. Same with the airplane guy. There was something at work that was bothering him that he never confronted, and his mind pushed that deep down and made him anxious about other things.
So that got me thinking.
I wrote down whatever I could think of that may have messed with my head. And the first thing I thought of--that I ALWAYS have thought of whenever I feel particularly depressed or terrible about something and it winks at me in the back of my mind like a seductive monster waiting to overcome me with fear and panic.
FOR INSTANCE. LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF A FEW THINGS I FIGURED OUT. STARTING WITH SOME THOUGHTS I STARTED HAVING MUCH MORE OFTEN IN THE PAST TWO/THREE YEARS:
1. That my mom is funnier/smarter/more attractive/prettier/easier to get along with/more sociable/likable/better than me in every possible way. That she can start a conversation with anyone (putting aside her acute Type 1-ness and my definite Type 2 attitude) she wants at any time. That she has no fears and everyone likes her and thinks she is so awesome and can do anything. That even the bishop told me a while back that I've got an excellent mother with a great sense of humor. Because everyone likes my mother. And she has thousands of followers on Pinterest and people READ HER BLOG BECAUSE SHE'S WAY MORE INTERESTING EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
this also plays into the jealousy factor which brings us to item number 2, similar to number 1.
2. I am extremely jealous of my mother. Everything she touches turns to gold....or some form of crappy gold that she's fix up and make everyone love. Everyone loves her and she doesn't have anxiety problems and doesn't have any doubts about making new friends. There isn't a single person I know that dislikes my mother.
3. I feel completely unloved by my family, especially my parents. This may be a distorted thought that I've pinpointed before, but I've felt strongly as if my parents did not care about me AT ALL since about the eighth grade. Putting aside all the dumb teenage hormones and crap, I'm just getting all of this down here.
4. I feel inadequate/unable to talk to strangers/very unlovable/like a terrible person/antisocial. I also feel as though there has been a standard set BY MY MOTHER for me to be someone else. If I am nothing like my mother, people are disappointed. I absolutely HATE people comparing me to her because I am MY OWN PERSON. Even though I love my mom and she's great, I wish people would not make the Rebecca inside of my apparent all the time. I have to put on a charade that I have a hard time keeping up with, and once it falls down and I see those same people again the next day as myself, they all think something is wrong, or that I am sick/sad/feeling down/depressed.
5. I get either no attention at all or too much for the wrong reasons. 'Nuff said. This is just in my mind, but it still feels really hurtful.
HERE'S WHAT I FIGURED OUT SO FAR BASED ON THESE FEW THINGS:
I always feel judged or looked at or watched by other people no matter where I am, be it on the bus (especially then), sitting in a classroom scratching my nose, or eating a sandwich. I feel that people are waiting for me to mess up or do something weird and judge me for someone I am not--this is a result of the supposed personality expectations set by my mom that I am so used to being around; feeling inadequate compared to my mom, so therefore, of COURSE I'm going to feel inadequate around others or that people are judging me accordingly. The hatred of being compared to my mother also comes into play here: since I have to avoid being so like her that people immediately call me Rebecca Jr. or a little version of my mom, I have to be something different. Being different makes me nervous and twitchy and fidgety so when others see my being that way I feel that already they are making that assumption, or the assumption that I'm socially retarded. Especially when I bounce-walk down the hallways.
The reason that I always am so quick to throw my heart/affections around at anyone who will take them. I play the forever alone thign way too high, and am usually very desperate for someon to care for me and give me attention. AKA Why I dump all my feelings out at once and cannot old them in for long because the world NEEDS TO KNOW, or at least at the time it feels like they do.--
(I realise that this could be potentially dangerous later on when I start dating and all I want is the attention. That's why I'm trying to attack it now and not when I'm 18 and drinking or smoking because my boyfriend at the time thinks it would be cool. Yeah, I don't think so.) Feeling unloved by my parents. And my family. And my friends. If nobody close to me will love me, I feel as though I have to go and hunt down someone by myself. Hating being antisocial and shy around new people. The fidgeting. The freaking out. All of it makes me feel unlovable to everyone, so I reach out to those who don't know me and use them. I feel that people either my mother knew beforehand that I have to talk to or complete strangers will see me as only my mother. They like her over me. So of course I have to throw on the act and seem so desperate because, as I stated before, the feelings of not being loved by my family or parents or friends makes me try to find it in less desirable places. And a lot of times, those places don't know my mom or who I am, so I make something up and they pay attention to me. If I'm alone, they will take care of it. Of course, the fact that I HATE these kinds of people who do this to me doesn't help. I usually end up realizing what a bad influence these "friends" that I choose solely for attention are on me and spite them afterward. Currently hating on Chris, because turns out he's a perv. A perv who smokes. No thanks. That ship sailed weeks ago, and now he sits at my table every day in Theatre. I don't talk to him anymore.
If anything, I want to be able to rid all of this and move on. Once I find the other causes to the rest of my problems, I'll dump them back out on here. No more depression for another day or two.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
just going to start blogging again. And not care who the heck reads it. I need an outlet again. And to catch up with myself.
So in all fairness, I've been doing exactly what my doctor told me to help clear my skin up: eating healthier, exercising 15-20 (supposed to be 30, she said, but in reality I try to dance it up after school when I get home) minutes every morning after seminary before I get ready....and I got this book that is supposed to help with managing stress, anxiety, depression, that kind of stuff. It's helping a lot, but lately, my body has been catching up with itself and now instead of completely blocking out all anxiety forever and always like it was in the beginning because it was like, "WHOA WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING CALLED EXERCISE AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO HEALTHY?!" but now it's like, "Yeahhh...burned about 90 calories in the morning. Typical. Hmm."
And now y anxiety is coming back a thousand times harder than before, and I almost passed out in health class during an eating disorder video that WASN'T EVEN DISGUSTING ANYWAY and could barely walk over to my teacher to ask to go to the nurse because there was blue fuzzy static everywhere and I could barely walk and I felt like I was going to pass out with nobody to find my body and all that. And my temperature was perfect, same with blood pressure, and the nurse (WHO'S AN RN. GO HER.) told me that it might have been my body anticipating a migraine but responding in a different way. I was shaking and clammy and super duper white pale and tingling, and she said that that was a nervous response to something. I don't know what. But I had a double throbbing headache that didn't feel quite as bad as the migraines that I had at the beginning of the semester last year, and even ibuprofen didn't kill it off completely.
But I did manage to find a ton of ways to fix headaches without medicine. Like reflexology and sitting up straight and stretching and clearing my mind. It worked about three times today, since I get headaches a ton.
And stress. Let's not forget I kept feeling like I was about to go off the edge and go into full blown panic attack mode all day LONG. And all I could keep thinking was, "this is EXACTLY what panic disorder is, which I almost 99.999% have for sure, and now I can't stop feeling/anticipating that I'm going to panic attack right here and now and nobody's going to care or find my body when I die..." and if it's not stress, its this terrible depression. The other day when I was alone, I almost felt suicidal. It really sucked.
Today was alright...except for the essay I just finished a while ago that my teacher gave us an extra day to finish even though I crammed to fit it all in last night in my notebook...and it was beautiful. But not as beautiful as the one I've got now. Took a theatre test, Health Science quiz over digestive system, and a geometry test that I SWEAR I ACED WITH FLYING COLORS. Going to go later on and spend some time with mom, get some more red hair color for me, and some LEGIT CANVASES AND PAINT BECAUSE HEY--I'M GONNA START TAKING UP PAINTING. AS A HOBBY. OR SOMETHING FUN TO DO. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WATCHING SWITCHED AT BIRTH, AND GUESS WHO LIKES TO PAINT? BAY DOES.
And signing.
Oh man Deaf Chat Coffee was the worst and the best all at once.
I accidentally lied about my feeling to a deaf guy, and he called me a liar, and I've been beating myself up all week for not remembering the whole etiquette thing. You don't just say you're fine, you go into how you really feel. But I didn't want to just dump my nervousness/shyness/anxiety on him right then and there, because you know, even with deaf culture being really close and intimate and friendship-y, it was still overwhelming with my dumb sweating all day long that day and the deaf love of my life NOT SHOWING UP. EVEN WHEN I LEARNED TO SIGN SO THAT I COULD TALK TO HIM. AND SO THAT HE COULD LOVE ME BACK. I WAS SO MAD. AND I STILL AM SO DEPRESSED ABOUT IT.
But I met a hard of hearing person named Johnny who was SUPER nice...my goal then was to meet a hard of hearing person because EMMETT'S DAD ON SWITCHED AT BIRTH IS DATING THIS SUPER HOT AMAZING FANTASTICAL HARD OF HEARING CHIC THAT'S IN BETWEEN DEAF AND HEARING. They can speak but you have to sign to them to communicate. It's so cool. I'm going to turn up my music so loud one day that I go deaf, so that I can fully join their culture and be one of them and be able to technically be hard of hearing, since a ton of people lose their hearing from blaring music. And nobody blares music more than I do.
I still screwed up with Johnny because instead of saying "nice to meet you" like Izzy and Celeste did or just doing the sign for "same" which I already freaking KNOW because I PRACTICED EVERY SIGN KNOWN TO THE UNIVERSE BEFORE WE DROVE THERE, I just stood there dumbly with this stupid look on my face and signed "meet.". Just meet. And he looked at me like he was expecting more out of me, and then nothing happened. So he kept signing. BUT I UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD THAT MS. BELL SIGNED WHEN SHE CAME OVER, AND GOING TO A DEAF COFFEE CHAT IS A HECK OF A LOT EASIER WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TEACHING YOURSELF SIGN LANGUAGE FOR THE PAST TWO AND A HALF MONTHS.
oh man.
Finished my essay for history...still don't know how the heck he wants us to have it. There's nothing to prove. But whatever. That's coach Lambchop for you.
I've been busy trying to write songs for my new challenge: FAWM. [x] Which is writing....28 1/2 songs total this month? And with the help of my new CAPO WHICH I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....AHHHHH!!! life is a thousand times easier. I've already got a few comments on my lyrics...and people actually like them! I'm super into making and writing music...and playing guitar. Even though it screws up my beautiful nails. But who cares.
....checking my grade summary. And apparently made a 77 on that Geometry test....I'm sorry...it was EASY and I KNEW everything on it. She even HELPED ME YESTERDAY. How is this possible?
Gonna have to start pulling ideas to paint. What should I practice on? I'm going to start a theme of painting really good heads of people since that's all I can draw (probably same quality if I did it with my eyes shut) and sticking them like balloons onto strings. And Nohemi suggested having a headless body holding the string. I love it. It's going to be beautiful.
If only I could paint.
I don't think Photoshopping is the same...or Polyvore. Not even close.
I'm finally going to start on my second draft of my novel that I wrote back in November. I really want to work on this one, since it's the one I want to get published on. Anyway. Yeah.
So in all fairness, I've been doing exactly what my doctor told me to help clear my skin up: eating healthier, exercising 15-20 (supposed to be 30, she said, but in reality I try to dance it up after school when I get home) minutes every morning after seminary before I get ready....and I got this book that is supposed to help with managing stress, anxiety, depression, that kind of stuff. It's helping a lot, but lately, my body has been catching up with itself and now instead of completely blocking out all anxiety forever and always like it was in the beginning because it was like, "WHOA WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING CALLED EXERCISE AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO HEALTHY?!" but now it's like, "Yeahhh...burned about 90 calories in the morning. Typical. Hmm."
And now y anxiety is coming back a thousand times harder than before, and I almost passed out in health class during an eating disorder video that WASN'T EVEN DISGUSTING ANYWAY and could barely walk over to my teacher to ask to go to the nurse because there was blue fuzzy static everywhere and I could barely walk and I felt like I was going to pass out with nobody to find my body and all that. And my temperature was perfect, same with blood pressure, and the nurse (WHO'S AN RN. GO HER.) told me that it might have been my body anticipating a migraine but responding in a different way. I was shaking and clammy and super duper white pale and tingling, and she said that that was a nervous response to something. I don't know what. But I had a double throbbing headache that didn't feel quite as bad as the migraines that I had at the beginning of the semester last year, and even ibuprofen didn't kill it off completely.
But I did manage to find a ton of ways to fix headaches without medicine. Like reflexology and sitting up straight and stretching and clearing my mind. It worked about three times today, since I get headaches a ton.
And stress. Let's not forget I kept feeling like I was about to go off the edge and go into full blown panic attack mode all day LONG. And all I could keep thinking was, "this is EXACTLY what panic disorder is, which I almost 99.999% have for sure, and now I can't stop feeling/anticipating that I'm going to panic attack right here and now and nobody's going to care or find my body when I die..." and if it's not stress, its this terrible depression. The other day when I was alone, I almost felt suicidal. It really sucked.
Today was alright...except for the essay I just finished a while ago that my teacher gave us an extra day to finish even though I crammed to fit it all in last night in my notebook...and it was beautiful. But not as beautiful as the one I've got now. Took a theatre test, Health Science quiz over digestive system, and a geometry test that I SWEAR I ACED WITH FLYING COLORS. Going to go later on and spend some time with mom, get some more red hair color for me, and some LEGIT CANVASES AND PAINT BECAUSE HEY--I'M GONNA START TAKING UP PAINTING. AS A HOBBY. OR SOMETHING FUN TO DO. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WATCHING SWITCHED AT BIRTH, AND GUESS WHO LIKES TO PAINT? BAY DOES.
And signing.
Oh man Deaf Chat Coffee was the worst and the best all at once.
I accidentally lied about my feeling to a deaf guy, and he called me a liar, and I've been beating myself up all week for not remembering the whole etiquette thing. You don't just say you're fine, you go into how you really feel. But I didn't want to just dump my nervousness/shyness/anxiety on him right then and there, because you know, even with deaf culture being really close and intimate and friendship-y, it was still overwhelming with my dumb sweating all day long that day and the deaf love of my life NOT SHOWING UP. EVEN WHEN I LEARNED TO SIGN SO THAT I COULD TALK TO HIM. AND SO THAT HE COULD LOVE ME BACK. I WAS SO MAD. AND I STILL AM SO DEPRESSED ABOUT IT.
But I met a hard of hearing person named Johnny who was SUPER nice...my goal then was to meet a hard of hearing person because EMMETT'S DAD ON SWITCHED AT BIRTH IS DATING THIS SUPER HOT AMAZING FANTASTICAL HARD OF HEARING CHIC THAT'S IN BETWEEN DEAF AND HEARING. They can speak but you have to sign to them to communicate. It's so cool. I'm going to turn up my music so loud one day that I go deaf, so that I can fully join their culture and be one of them and be able to technically be hard of hearing, since a ton of people lose their hearing from blaring music. And nobody blares music more than I do.
I still screwed up with Johnny because instead of saying "nice to meet you" like Izzy and Celeste did or just doing the sign for "same" which I already freaking KNOW because I PRACTICED EVERY SIGN KNOWN TO THE UNIVERSE BEFORE WE DROVE THERE, I just stood there dumbly with this stupid look on my face and signed "meet.". Just meet. And he looked at me like he was expecting more out of me, and then nothing happened. So he kept signing. BUT I UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD THAT MS. BELL SIGNED WHEN SHE CAME OVER, AND GOING TO A DEAF COFFEE CHAT IS A HECK OF A LOT EASIER WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TEACHING YOURSELF SIGN LANGUAGE FOR THE PAST TWO AND A HALF MONTHS.
oh man.
Finished my essay for history...still don't know how the heck he wants us to have it. There's nothing to prove. But whatever. That's coach Lambchop for you.
I've been busy trying to write songs for my new challenge: FAWM. [x] Which is writing....28 1/2 songs total this month? And with the help of my new CAPO WHICH I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....AHHHHH!!! life is a thousand times easier. I've already got a few comments on my lyrics...and people actually like them! I'm super into making and writing music...and playing guitar. Even though it screws up my beautiful nails. But who cares.
....checking my grade summary. And apparently made a 77 on that Geometry test....I'm sorry...it was EASY and I KNEW everything on it. She even HELPED ME YESTERDAY. How is this possible?
Gonna have to start pulling ideas to paint. What should I practice on? I'm going to start a theme of painting really good heads of people since that's all I can draw (probably same quality if I did it with my eyes shut) and sticking them like balloons onto strings. And Nohemi suggested having a headless body holding the string. I love it. It's going to be beautiful.
If only I could paint.
I don't think Photoshopping is the same...or Polyvore. Not even close.
I'm finally going to start on my second draft of my novel that I wrote back in November. I really want to work on this one, since it's the one I want to get published on. Anyway. Yeah.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
business, both finished and yet to be
My okay-ish drawing of Ginnifer Goodwin from OUAT....done forever ago back in late December after Christmas. It's been preserved with a napkin in my sketchbook for ages.
A more recent drawing of...myself! Doing more than just the stupid slumped shoulders pose, I actually tried to make fingers and stuff. Mm. Hands.
And during many hours of tablet usage, I managed to whip this out once I started trying to mold a character called Emma from this story I was working with...a couple days ago....and it was nice. Apparently the blur tool looks like real skin..o_O
And one of the first things I drew with my tablet...people that I liked...or kind of still like. This is not even close to being finished, but it's so adorable and pretty darn accurate that I had to show it on my blog. Left: that guy...argh...center: Chris. And then Nick on the right holding A PHONE. It kind of looks a little like a beer can, but I can't actually draw anything else but people, and even the dumb kid's sweater wouldn't cooperate...so there it is. And he's not that fat, either. I'm just not a proportionate artist.
And back to that Emma picture..I really gotta branch out from drawing hair that looks like mine or Chris'/Sonny Moore/Skrillex...hmm. Anyways, Emma was crying at one point in my daily dose of 750+ words in the morning story, so I decided--"Hey, why don't I make the same thing but with her makeup running...because she uses a lot...and it en't waterproof, either."
THAT NOSE!!! She looks so sad that it makes ME want to cry. I need to start drawing happy people since this exercising thing is actually making my depression-anxiety thing start to feel a little better. My creations need some feel good endorphins in their head...I'll just turn on the dance workout and pump them full of it.
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